Over the past few months, maybe even the past year, I had really forgotten who I was. I forgot who I was in Christ. I forgot who I had spent my high school years becoming. I forgot how much God had planned for me. I forgot that God is pulling me through difficult situations because I will be stronger and wiser in the end. I forgot that I can control how I make others feel, but I cannot control how others make me feel. I forgot that no matter how high of walls I try to build, my wonderful Savior will graciously strip them down.
God has been breaking me down. He’s been reminding me of who I am and what my heart consists of. He has been reminding me that I’m not a unwanted, unloved or even unneeded person but that I have just been depending to much on the emotion and consent of the world. He has been reminding me to depend on his love, grace and embrace to get through every single day. I have not gone one day over the past month without learning something new either about myself or about who God is. Some days are extremely difficult and some days are extremely joyful, while others are rather mundane.
It has been a very long time since I have been able to say this, but today I am feeling 100% content. No, life is not perfect. My heart is currently residing in another country. I’m not completely sure how I’m going to make it through the next 3 years without imploding. I am concerned about what others think of my dream. I try to hard to please everyone, even though I know that is impossible. Yet somehow, through all of those imperfections, I have come to a solid feeling of fulfillment. So much that I’m actually having trouble expressing myself through words right now.
I started school on Monday, and although I was not looking forward to it, God has done some amazing things through it. He has not only reconnected me with a few old friends, that I thought no longer remembered me. He has reminded me of how important a degree is to me, and that before being in Honduras long-term, I need to finish my degree (as difficult as that may be). He has restored some things in my past that I didn’t think I would ever be able to come to terms with. Although there are seconds or moments of pain and affliction, they pass quickly and I’m reminded of the good that remains.
I know that I’m being fairly vague and probably not making much sense…but I’m not sure how else I’m supposed to describe my life right now. This feeling is something that I wish to hold on to. I’m completely vulnerable right now, and scary as it is, it’s new and refreshing. I no longer am hiding behind walls or staying as far away from love as possible. God is reminding me how to love, but more importantly how to let others love me. I lost that ability. I got so closed off to others that I didn’t let others in to help me grow, encourage me and take some of the weight off my shoulders. My walls have been stripped away, and now it is just me. Open and willing to learn more, knowing that although it may be painful, there is no gain without an initial struggle. I’m ready to experience more of life and to grow in Christ.
Well, I think I’ve rambled on about practically nothing long enough now. I hope there is some inspiration for you somewhere in there!
Nice talking at ya!