Have you ever felt that way?
Like you can’t take one more stress or disappointment? It’s as if you don’t know if you’re going to smile or if tears will fall in any given situation?
This is where I have been the past few days. My life has felt like a complete emotional roller coaster and it has left me exhausted and worn out.
I’m learning that the tired that comes from being a missionary is far different than any other tired I have experienced. It’s different then the feeling of a long, drawn out 8 hour shift. It’s different than the feeling of babysitting 6 kids for a few hours. It’s different than the feeling of spending the day outside doing yard work.
This is a kind of tired that drains you physically, emotionally and spiritually and causes you to have no other choice but to depend on Christ for rest, renewal and strength to keep moving forward (which is a pretty amazing thing).
That’s where I’m at right now.
In two weeks, I will be settling into bed for my first night of my 3 month adventure. I’m so excited for this challenge, and for the many things I will learn. I’m excited for the growth that will happen in my as I’m away from my family and friends in Ohio. I’m also excited for the many new friends I will make, the students I will have the pleasure of teaching and the connections I will continue to build in Honduras.
The toll that a trip like this takes on a person, just to prepare for, is insane, and I never would have imagined it. The ties that you have to loosen in order to make leaving easier, the money you have to raise in order to buy food and necessities, the many prayers you have to make in order to keep moving forward, the amount of packing and re-packing you have to do to make sure everything is ready and not over-weight, the constant, endless to-do list you have to write and scratch off, the constant running around you have to do in order to see everyone and do everything before leaving.
I have spent a lot of this past week trying to truly rest since I know there won’t be much of that while I’m in Honduras (luckily Johny wants to make sure I have a little bit of time for that). Although I have had a lot of down time over the past few days, I seem to be more of a mess.
I guess what it all comes down to, is me realizing how much craziness is in store for my future. I don’t write any of this to complain or say that I’m better than others, because in no way is that true. I’m writing because sometimes life teaches you how strong you really are, and I’m learning how important it is to keep pushing through. On the other side of weakness, is a stronger you. I knew that being a missionary wasn’t easy, I knew that my future wasn’t going to be easy either, but I couldn’t have imagined this.
Although everything seems like chaos to me right now, and life seems to be moving in a whirlwind, I can feel God right beside me. I can feel Him reassuring me in His plans and setting small reminders of Him throughout my days. I feel a certain sense of peace as I go about my day. Although the next few months are going to be some of the most difficult I will experience, I know God has prepared me for what He is calling me to and I can’t wait to jump into that.
I don’t often ask for prayers and I’m not usually this open about where I’m at emotionally, but tonight and in the coming days I’m really needing the support of other believers. If you think to, please say a quick prayer for me as I prepare for this trip and while I’m gone. Just pray for whatever you feel God laying on your heart, because He knows what I need most.
I thank everyone again for the support and love you have shown me. I know that when I’m in Honduras, I have an entire support group in Ohio and Canada that have my back and that means so much to me.
Have a very blessed day!