I have to admit it, this isn’t easy.
I feel too young, too unprepared, too imperfect, too confused, and too uneducated to do this.
This isn’t my plea for encouragement or me fishing for compliments. This is me being perfectly honest about where my heart is, and what I’m working through.
As a single, young, white female living here in Honduras, it isn’t safe for me to walk very far from my apartment alone. With my limited amount of Spanish, I don’t feel prepared enough to take a taxi to the places I would like to go or need to go. I would love to go and visit my girls at the orphanage every single day, but my work schedule is the opposite of their school schedule, therefore I only get to see them on weekends. This leaves me to spending most of my time in my apartment, which feels so unproductive to me. Yes, it gives me time to prepare activities and good lessons for my students. It gives me time to have quiet time, dig into the Bible and enjoy God’s presence. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
Around the middle of this week, I began to get sick. By Friday I was so worn out that I just wanted to sleep all day. This weekend I have been too exhausted to do much of anything. I have continued to feel God calling me to rest, reminding me that it’s okay to not have a to-do list going.
I guess I have always had this idea that missionaries do. They go, go, go and give, give, give even when they feel like there is nowhere to go or they have nothing to give.
But if you have nothing to give, then what are you truly giving? If there is nowhere to go, then where are you truly going?
Where is the line? Where does it end?
I find myself getting into this cycle, of wanting to be doing things always. I have trouble just sitting anymore, and resting.
I don’t think getting this cold was a coincidence, I think God is trying to teach me something.
Although it’s important to push yourself beyond your boundaries, to give even when you feel you can’t, and to put 110% into everything you do, it is equally as important to rest. When God created earth, he took a day to rest. God, the ever-existing, omnipresent God who created you and created me, rested.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to meet another missionary who has been here for 6 years. He’s a much older man who is doing all kinds of different things around this area. His focus is mostly in the Catholic church and with villages that surround Santa Rosa. It was really great to spend a couple hours talking with him about the many needs in this country, the many problems occurring in this country, and the many ways one can go about changing it all.
We both pinpointed the most basic, and main way of reaching these people, and that is love. If you start by loving these people, by showing them they are human beings with dignity, by building relationships, everything else seems to fall in line.
At the end of the day, I feel pretty discouraged. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile, or anything to further God’s kingdom.
Sometimes I even wonder why God has me here right now, what is His purpose in all of this.
And then I find myself in a moment, when I am just overwhelmed by the Spirit.
Yesterday is a great example. I spent the day (trying) to rest. I read, I did some laundry, I cleaned, I did dishes, I met said missionary, I picked up some groceries, I spent some time with the children in my apartment building, I had quiet time, but at the end of the day, I felt useless.
While going to get my dry clothes down from the roof after sunset, I noticed the moon was close to full. I took this as an opportunity to take pictures. I then realized there was a storm rolling in. It was truly amazing, the lightning was hidden behind clouds, and behind the clouds were stars. I could view all of this from the roof, without it being dangerous. As I stood there praying, I began hearing English words here and there. Thinking it was all in my head, I ignored it.
One Nation, One Day.
I remembered. Yesterday was the day that One Nation, One Day was going to be happening in Honduras. It is a huge mission trip with the motto: Can a nation be saved in a day?
As I’m standing on the roof, being blessed by God’s presence. There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of teenagers only 10 minutes away also being blessed by God’s presence.
As I began to feel guilty for not being part of that huge movement, God wiped away that guilt and reminded me that I’m still part of this movement.
I’m still figuring out what my place is here. I’m still learning the needs and problems in this country. I’m just beginning to understand what it means to live here as a missionary.
It’s a challenge, but I’ve always been one to love a challenge.
It’s exhausting, discouraging, and sometimes feels impossible.
But God is an incredible God, who is continuing to provide grace and strength to me in each day, each moment.
When I feel like I haven’t done anything to further the Kingdom, when I feel useless or discouraged, I ask myself this: Have I loved at least one person today?
Have I asked one person how they are doing? Have I encouraged one person? Have I prayed for one person?
If I can answer yes to that, then I believe I have done something to further the Kingdom, I have been useful and that is encouraging to me. That is what makes it worth it. To know that I have affected one person’s life in a positive way, and shown them Christ.
Of course, it goes farther than one single person, but that is where it starts.
So can you tell me this, have you loved at least one person today?
My prayers is that at least one person can find inspiration in this post, find encouragement or hope.
Have a blessed day,