I can hardly believe I started this blog a year ago. It has gone by so quickly, and yet it almost feels like it has been 5 years! There have been so many changes in my life since my first post on August 1st of 2012.
One year ago, when I wrote about my desire to be in Honduras and my passion that had developed for this country, I had no idea that I’d be living here now. Of course, it’s not permanent…but I am still here!
Today also marks me being here for 5 weeks. I’m not sure exactly how to feel about this. It has been amazing, in many ways, and beyond challenging in many ways.
The last class that I teach every day has left me feeling defeated for several days now. I have grown to really miss a lot of things about America that I didn’t think I would. I have also come to realize just how much I miss my family and my friends. Building a support system in a foreign country with a language you barely know is proving to be difficult (imagine that!). I have always loved languages, but have been having a difficult time picking up Spanish.
Over the past week or two, I haven’t felt very settled, very at peace. I have been feeling as though I have been walking through the motions, without real passion. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being here. This past month has probably been the most amazing month of my life. I have experienced and felt things that I have never before and will never forget.
I’m not exactly sure what has changed. I do know now that my dreams and my heart are beginning to change. I also know that Honduras will forever be a part of my life, of my heart. I have no doubt about that.
But, I think it’s not a matter of what has changed, but what has remained the same in all of this. Christ.
I have come to realize, that all of this time I have been saying “My plan is to…” when talking to people about Honduras, but maybe that wasn’t God’s plan all along. There are a lot of pieces that have fallen apart over the last day, but there are a lot of pieces God has placed back together.
See, all of this time, I thought I was giving up my preferences, my lifestyle, and my desires to God when all along, I wasn’t stopping to ask Him where he wanted me. Honduras, that I know, it cannot be doubted, but the rest of it? I’m not so sure.
Realizing all of this and being completely honest with myself has proven to be intense. I think I have felt every emotion possible while going through this process, but I also feel the most clear headed I have in quite some time. I find this almost humorous, because it is also the most unplanned my life has been in quite some time. There is very special peace that God puts in the hearts of His children who choose to give up their dreams and plans and place them in His hands. It’s scary, that’s for sure, but it’s special.
Last night, I got talking with one of my very best friends in Ohio about all of this. I admitted that I felt like my plans changed, that I was giving up on my dream, giving up on myself. She replied, “You are not giving up on yourself. Your heart and your dreams are changing. And it’s okay.” She is absolutely right. I also know that I need to be more concerned with what God thinks of me than anyone in this world.
I have cried more tears in the past twelve hours than I have in a very long time, but it has been such a good cleansing experience. I never would have guessed that I would be in a foreign country for 3 months, willing to sign my American life away, when God would show me He had something else prepared for me. I have always loved His sense of humor.
For those of you praying, please be praying for clarity. That God would continue to lead my heart, and that I would continue to give every piece of it to Him. That I would continue to be honest with myself and trust His perfect timing.
Have a very blessed day,