Feeling Numb

A three hour bus ride through the mountains in Honduras felt like five minutes. I didn’t even sleep or read, just thought, looked outside and sat there…feeling numb.

I left Honduras on Saturday morning after a very busy morning, and barely made it to the bus on time to head from Santa Rosa de Copan to San Pedro Sula.

I remember it starting on the previous Thursday though. I was finished with my classes and had begun packing, but I had also begun to feel outside of my own reality. I felt like someone else was moving my muscles and accomplishing tasks while my spirit and mind were elsewhere.

Suddenly, I am in Ohio and sort of returning to a normal life here. I’m spending time with friends over coffee, working on decorations for my room and staying up far past my bedtime. Everything looks normal from the outside, but inside I’m still numb.

Between last Thursday and today, I don’t remember much. I remember my students holding me for ten minutes crying, not letting me leave the school on Friday. I remember few things in between, but it all just slipped from under me.

I feel like I’m not here permanently. I feel like I’m just visiting for a weekend and then I’ll be back teaching classes, hearing “Ms. Hicks” everywhere I go and listening to the buzzing of Spanish tongues.

I haven’t had my breakdown. I haven’t cried over the losses or processed the fact that I’m actually gone.

My bags still are not unpacked, which would have taken about five minutes of my time.

Eventually I will get to a point of reality hitting me square in the face, or rather the heart. I think it’s going to painful, frustrating and challenging, but necessary.

I already am missing so many things about Honduras and the life I was beginning to build. As much as that dream has changed in my life, Honduras will always be part of me heard. It will forever hold a very special place in my life. I miss my students, my “son” James and the many other special people that I had while there.

As much as I’m ready to stop feeling numb to everything that my body is walking through and experiences, I also understand that it will wear off no earlier and no later than what God has for me.

I want to seriously thank everyone who has welcome me home and who has reminded me of how loved I am. You are all incredible!

-Sadie

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