Overwhelmed

You fall asleep a couple of days before departure, and mindlessly walk through life and complete tasks on your to-do list. As you return to America and begin living life here, your mind and body slowly wake up and are able to process things and be emotionally present in situations.

This is the best way I have learned to explain the process of returning back to Ohio after being in Honduras for 3 months.

The past few days have been pretty overwhelming for me. I went grocery shopping for the first time since being here. I have been shopping several times with friends and family, but never for groceries.

I also haven’t been this mentally and physically present in two weeks.

I stood staring at orange juice for ten minutes. When you get used to have two or three options, and usually all dependent on size rather than brand, having an entire isle of options is crazy.

Later, I walked down the international foods isle to look for a couple things and began seeing  products I would have seen at the Economica where I used to buy groceries in Honduars. It’s wild that looking at a can of beans can make me tear up.

Every day since I have been back, I have gotten at least one message or comment from a student. I miss my kids so incredibly much. They could be so challenging at times, but when you get to actually touch their lives, it makes it all worth it.

The other night, I got a friend request from a student I was positive didn’t even like me. He was constantly rolling his eyes and mocking me (and not in a fun way). I accepted and quickly got a message from him. He told me that they all miss me and told me he was sad. That threw me for a loop. I really made a difference in the lives of these kids. They are part of me and I am part of them now. That was overwhelming for me, and still is, to wrap my head around.

I haven’t had my breaking point yet. I thought for a few days that maybe it simply wasn’t going to come (yeah right!). As I’m able to process things and actually live life, I’m realizing that that moment will most certainly come. I haven’t even cried. My heart hasn’t had a chance to process, even though my mind might be beginning to.

This coming week is overwhelming me. I’m starting work at the library, and working with two of my new jobs as well. I also plan to finally begin with the jr. high youth group at my church. There are a lot of exciting things happening, and yet I’m feeling overwhelmed.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I began praying. I was beginning to feel lost.

I felt like there was nowhere to turn, or nobody that I could talk to that would get it. I felt this way because satan is a jerk. The most amazing thing that has happened for me in returning is realizing just how many people support me. God has shown me over and over again just how much I’m loved and cared for.

I spent over a year not truly living in Ohio. I hurt a lot of people because of that, and yet every single one of them has stuck by me. They supported my decisions and my passions, even if it pained them to do so. I sincerely want to apologize to anyone who has been affected by this. I cannot thank you enough for walking through this with me.

It’s overwhelming to me to know just how many people have my back.

I’m extremely tight on money, far more than I’ve ever been. I have been doing work here and there but still haven’t gotten money yet. I know it will all come together, and God will provide where needed, but until I’m truly back on my feet financially, I will be feeling overwhelmed in this.

I’m feeling overwhelmed this morning.

I’m overwhelmed by the many incredible blessings in my life that I don’t even deserve. I’m overwhelmed by actually living life in America and adjusting to normalcy. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the experience I had in Honduras and the many ways God provided for me during that time.

I’m slowly learning what is means to truly rest in God during this time. I’m learning to hand my burdens to Him. I so much so want to be overwhelmed by His presence and not the many things that plague me throughout the day.

This is where I’m at this morning. I’m feeling many different things. I feel like I can’t be completely present yet, but that I’m slowly getting there. Small things seem to be more overwhelming than the bigger ones.

And yet God is ever-present.

I cannot be more thankful for that.

Have a blessed day,

-Sadie

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